Tuesday, April 3, 2007

What The Hell Wednesdays: Hump Day Stumper.

We listen to a lot of music for our job ("They tried to make me go to rehab/But I said Nooo noooo nooooo!"); and we also listen to a lot of music not for our job (like when Crash calls and grumps, "I'm having a bad day. Will you please turn up the speakers to your stereo and sing 'Jenny from the Block' for me? It would make my day.") In short, we are surrounded by all kinds of music from A to Z, from shithouse to stupendous, from the windows to the wall. And that means that we sometimes find ourselves singing the weirdest fucking lyrics ever written, and then when finally someone asks us, "What the hell did you just say?!", we snap back into our normal selves, with our God-given IQs, and try to blame the whole incident on a bottle of qualuudes that just happen to be in the top drawer of our desk at work.

In honor of such incidents, we'll give out an award every Wednesday to the lyrics that have tiptoed slyly into our subconscious. This week, I'd like to spotlight: Robin Thicke "Lost Without U."

There are a few things that I can look over. For example: people who use "U" instead of "you." (Pussycat Dolls, wtf is up with "Stickwitu" as a song title, much less a song?) And I can also look over the fact that Robin's dad was the dad on Growing Pains because he really can't help that fact. I can EVEN look over the fact that prior to his recording career, he penned songs for such fallen heroes like Jordan McKnight's vain attempt at a comeback album. But here's the offense that will continue to puzzle:

"Baby you're the perfect shape
Baby you're the perfect weight
Treat me like my birthday
I want it this way; I want it that way; I want it
Tell me u dont want me 2 stop (Dont stop!)
Tell me it would break your heart
That u love me and all my dirty
U wanna roll with me; u wanna hold with me
U wanna make fires, and get Norwegian wood with me"

WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH NORWEGIAN WOOD?!
At first I thought to myself, "hmm, maybe Robin's Norwegian! and this is a thinly veiled metaphor to his manhood." But upon further research (thanks wikipedia), HE'S CANADIAN. So that ruled out argument 1. Argument 2 was that Norwegian wood is highly flammable and would make excellent kindling like hairspray, a bottle of brandy, and my 8th grade polyster gym uniform. But apparently Norweigan wood is just as special as the wood you pick up at your local Vons. Argument 3? Robin Thicke was drunk and trolling the streets of Larchmont when he spied through the window of a travel agency a poster of Norway and he thought to himself, "Ah HA! Norwegian wood!"

And then, a truly shit lyric was born.

Next week: Nelly Furtado and her ill-advised Steve Nash shout out in "Promiscuous." Not only was it the most awkard lyric of all in 2006, but it went on to spawn rumors of infidelity! Shame on you Nelly Furtado!

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