Wednesday, April 18, 2007

WTH Wednesday: I Don't Wanna Be Your Girlfriend, Avril.

For reals, I don't hate Canadians. But I'm 82% convinced that either a) they ought to pink slip their songwriters or b) hire someone to write those pesky lyrics. Or the very least, edit them.

Having that said, this week's What the Hell Wednesday goes to the esteemed Avril Lavigne. I have a lot of issues with this self-proclaimed punk princess, and it all boils down to the simple fact that she believes that she is the biggest pop star in the WHOLE WORLD, hates her fans enough to try and boot them off a plane, and can't be bothered to participate in an interview. In short? She's a douchebag. BUT IS SHE A WHOREMONKEY?

Let's examine her lyrics from her latest offering, "Girlfriend" from her vomit-inducing "The Best Damn Thing":

Hey hey, you you
I know that you like me
No way, no way
You know it's not a secret
Hey hey, you you
I want to be your girlfriend

In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger
'Cause I can, cause I can do it better
There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in
She's so stupid, what the hell were you thinking?

OK, Mrs. Derek Whibley. You look like you're about 12, and I think you've looked like you're about 12 for the past 5 years or so. If only all of us could be so lucky to hold on to your secret of youth. Maybe it was in those ties that you used to wear. But I digress: You're 12 and who do you think you are? Kelis? If you married Nas, then I would say, "OK, Avril, sing about how you're gonna be Miss Susie Homewrecker and steal a man while dissing his girlfriend. AT THE SAME TIME." But you're not Kelis. And Kelis actually didn't sing about that, she was just bragging about her milkshake, and she didn't really diss anyone's woman. Because she has class (in comparison).

So my little Strawberry Shortcake from Canada: You're still too young to be singing about being the easiest lay on the putt-putt green.


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