Thursday, January 15, 2009

May We Recommend Nyquil?

It's a wedding and we're all invited! Well, that is if you are a hanger on of Katy Perry and totally OK with her marrying a 12-year-old wax doll with committment issues. Anyway, we open to the Lesser Zooey pledging her goodies to a 7th grader with a fake tan...but before the happy ending can commence, Little Bobby has a change of heart and a distinctive Adam's apple which sparks Katy into a DANCING SINGING FRENZY!

(And this is why we have no interest in watching Mamma Mia.)

There is synchronized headbopping and Katy accusing her childgroom of being a "bitch" (that's harsh Katy! He's only 12! The other one may not have descended yet!) I also have to say that if you want to marry a guy, accusing him of not being good enough for you is not exactly going to get you any faster matrimonial bliss.

Naturally, BoyWunder makes a dash down the aisle with Katy in hot pursuit who then rips off the skirt of her Stephanie Seymour wedding gown to reveal romper? Seriously, how does one pee in that?

And come to think of it, how come there is always a guy in a hot dog costume in music videos?

Katy committs a minor felony by swiping a pink beach cruiser to chase down her shitty groom and then, we are suddenly kidnapped into an underground club...with Katy doing her best Diesel-sponsored Gwen Stefani impression. Oh, and that belt is not all that either, so can we stop cutting to it?

Finally, finally, the best part of the video comes up. No, probably second best: The bride zombies looking like coked out rejects from a Tim Burton audition swing bats around threateningly, only to dance a mad jig around WaxBoy which is rather anticlimactic. Also anticlimactic? the Nokia sponsored videophone message. It's pretty much the same bit of Katy smearing her own mascara, except with sponsorship!

Now, before we can get to the best part of the video, Katy and her comrades decide to swap their tattered wedding duds for some shiny 80s sporty spice gear. Also, there are Hammer pants. There's some poplocking and other music video staples, but what REALLY intrigues us the wind dude. We can only assume that during the course of the chase, Katy has decided that if marrying a teenager falls through, she can always default to becoming a used car salesman in gold lame booty shorts with matching eyeshadow and manic hula hoopers.

OK. NOW we are at the best part.

Before we all start having a free for all, let's just cut to the chase: Whut. Tha. Fuck.

Based on the general ending of the video, it's safe to assume that the childgroom is in fact, a child with either a vivid imagination, or KPee fed him some hallucinatory drugs before forcing him into a monkey suit. Either way, this video's plotline leaves us pondering the power of the zebras.

- Grace n' Kelley


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