Dear 90210...

You know, I was never really into 90210 the first time around (but I do remember hearing about how Luke Perry and Shannen Doherty hated each other so much that during their kissing scene, he ate like a whole head of garlic and she rolled around in cat hair knowing that he was allergic--I'd say she out-bitched him on that one). So when I finally sat down to watch the new 90210, I realized: nothing bad ever happens on this show. No, really. NOTHING BAD. For example: The hot black kid from the Wire who is super cute apparently can't park the minivan, and he knocks out the side mirror of some fancy car that will run him $500. (Which, btw, is totally realistic cuz I knocked out my side mirror in high school and it cost me $400. Back then, Infiniti G20s were like, "luxury." Or something. I dunno, it was used, OK?) In the old 90210 days, this would automatically mean that someone was going to trip down the darker alleys of Beverly Hills, score a substantial amount of coke, and start selling to all of his rich bitch friends, thereby paying him back. NOT GET A FUCKING JOB AT THE PEACH PIT.

And by the way: That main girl would NOT be drinking Dr. Pepper while getting stood up. It would be Diet Coke and you know it, they know it, and she knows it. Hell, she probably was drinking Diet Dr. Diuretic, judging by the circumference of her arm.

This is where I think Gossip Girl excels: I mean, I know it's a fantasy life but at least Gossip Girl is completely unapologetic about it. Gossip Girl on the West Coast is some post-Avril Lavigne actress who is probably 22 and wondering how to channel the spirit of Perez Hilton in her performances. (The sad thing is that she's actually a decent actress, but I didn't recognize her after her 20 lb weight loss). Unfortunately, the only thing bit of meat she's given to chew on is some long-dead feud about posting about her ex-BFF's parents having marital strife. Whut? At least Serena bedded her ex-BFF's boyfriend, AND had the powers to toss her blonde hair back in Blair's good graces. Not even Jennie Garth Brenda Walsh could save this monstrosity...

...But Donna Martin could! Just saying...