These nachos came from Taco Bell, recognize!

I will preface this blog entry with the following disclaimer: I am drunk.

That being said, I should also point out that my typing is fairly impeccable when I'm three sheets to the wind, but my grammar suffers considerably.

In this drunken state, I'm about to list the top 5 things that make me laugh uncontrollably while wasted. Or, as they say in college, "houuuuusssssed." Who tha fuck says that anymore? Maybe that was a late 90s thing. Or maybe that is like an East Coast thing. For example, on the west coast, they say, "smoke out." On the east coast, they say "smoke up." Does this still hold true? Like pop vs soda? Wait, what was I saying?

Right. Top five:

5. When you call your lesbian friend a penis when she gasps with delighted surprise about how much you look like Michelle Kwan. I totally don't in close ups (not that I would mind having her body, dood, she is a fucking Olympian which means she has 0.0001% body fat and she can do crazy triple jumps which would be a neat little party trick in my opinion. A triple lutz off of a keg? That deserves a bit of pocket change. But her nose? Puhleeze. If I had that nose, I'd be getting a nose job THE NEXT DAY.), but I do admit that in SOME PHOTOS of her there is a SLIGHT RESEMBLANCE. When I used to live in Silverlake, there was a big fat billboard of her down the street on Hyperion, and every time I went to the store (and every time the bagger lady squealed, "Michelle Kwan!!") I would pass it. And cringe. And then think, damn, can I be sponsored by Wheaties?

4. When your old friend from college rings you up and says, "I'm in town! Let's go play darts!" like it's the most natural thing in the world. Maybe if I had gone to USC or UCLA. But folks, I'm from Virginia. I went to UVA. A college friend to come and visit me would be a 5r hr plane ride away; hence the awesomeness of being totally fucking casual.

3. When your dog looks at you like you're fucking crazy. I don't know why, but you know you are doing some stupid shit if animals are giving you the "WTF" look. If my dog could talk, I would be in deep shit. Not because I do a tremendous amount of illegal shit, but because I would mortified.

2. Making your best friend (who is crankier as the day is long) drive to Taco Bell for nachos at midnight. OK, this totally brings up a memory that I've long since buried that involves my brother who was high as a kite and home for summer from his first year in college, one of his friends, and my sister driving to Wendy's around 1 am...but it's one of those stories where I think you just have to be there.

1. Upon arriving back home from the running to the proverbial border with the mythical fourth meal, your best friend pulls old photos of yourself from back in the day (aka those incriminating photos from Homecoming which will never die and I wore a salmon colored dress that belonged to my mom. Salmon? Really? What was I thinking??) and you laugh until you pee, while secretly swearing to burn all incriminating evidence when your BFF passes out on the couch.