The Twits Have Spoken.

I just spent 8 hours in the company of a 14-year-old girl (her name is Maggie) who is OBSESSED with those damn Twilight books. And after enduring many patient explanations on her part and a lot of "just read this" and "watch this," I kind of hate these books now. (Side note: Mags asked for the latest one in the series for her birthday because they were all sold out at her local Barnes and Nobles, so I got it for her and felt like a total child molester buying it. I don't know why, but I mumbled a lot to the employee chick who was WAAAAY too excited to be selling it to me, and I felt rushed to explain, "No, it's for my friend's daughter's birthday. It's not for me. I SWEAR.") I think it got worse though, when she started telling me the storylines and I kept interrupting with, "What WHAT WHAT?! He's been SPYING ON HER at NIGHT without HER KNOWING?! And that's ROMANTIC to YOU?!" But before I could go whole hog on her about the reality of 17-yr-old boys, she then professed her undying love for the guy who's going to play the vampire stalker in the movie, Cedric Diggory (real name: Robert Pattinson).

"I didn't think he'd be a good choice," she mused over her copy of Breaking Dawn, "But now I like him. He's sooo dreamy! I want to marry him!"

"You know he's just an actor right? He's not really a 100+ yr old vampire who can spout lines of Shakespeare and Brontë and buy his girlfriend a Ferrari. He's probably a big headed prat who weeps and moans about how he hates being famous and wants to run off and record a crap album. Not to mention that if you did run off with a 20something year old, it would be considered a felony in all 50 states." (This is why I don't think I'm cut out for mommyhood, by the way. I have no qualms shattering the tender and delicate fantasies of romantic teenage girls).

After I said that, she made me watch this YouTube interview with him. "See? He's not mean!" she crowed.

And to be fair, Pattinson comes across sounding pretty intelligent because...because...what the hell, he actually says that weepy vampire dude is a melodramatic idiot and his human girlfriend is a lovelorn nutbag! I like this guy! (Plus, that guy in the background eating a pizza is nothing short of awesome.) My heart is starting to bleed for him knowing the amount of crazed fangirls (my 14-yr-old buddy included) that will prey upon his poor soul and rummage through his trash bins outside his hotel, and he'll be forced to field Tigerbeat-esque questions like, "What's your favorite color? What do you look for in a girlfriend?" And then the paps will be on him like flies on shit and he'll never be able to go on a proper holiday on the beach with his model girlfriend without being accosted by rabid Twilight fans who will either throw themselves at him, stab his girlfriend, or scream at him for not sparkling in the sunlight...or all three. ("OMG! Do you think he has a girlfriend?!" Mags says, worriedly biting her lip.)

But then again...he's probably getting paid fat checks for doing the whole damn series of movies (or if he were smart, a percentage of the movie revenue), and that sympathy instantly goes away. Lucky bastard.

PS Is fourteen too young to be reading these books? The whole "She's eighteen, married, and knocked up" storyline is a wee bit laughable. But I can think of something worse...like naming your child something as ridiculous as Renesmee.