The Sippy Cup Awards for One Tubetastic Fall

If you stumbled upon this entry and you are addicted to Tivo and haven't watched this year's seasons/series finales yet, I suggest you divert your attention to updating your myspace profile or trolling on youtube. Or signing up for Match.com (it's okay to look).

Best Season Finale of 2007: Ugly Betty
While we all expected over-the-top campiness from our favorite Mode-ites, ("Eww. Dorkus interruptus!") and anticipated guest spots from the OG Betty and Kristin Chenowith ("You are so a chick flick! I would totally pay $10 to see you!"), none of us expected that Smokin Hot Santos would bite the bullet (literally) while his son Justin wailed out "Someday" from West Side Story...and all of us sitting on the couch bawled uncontrollably, throwing tissue wads at our television sets. Damn you Salma Hayek!

Worst Season Finale of 2007: Grey's Anatomy
Let's be honest. This whole season sucked. The ferry tanking? Meredith dying? In fact, the only good episode this season was George's dad dying, but even that kinda sucked because, hello? George's dad died! This season of Grey's Anatomy was also overshadowed with off-set drama that seeped in and poisoned the show. I also think all the squabbling ignited Shonda Rhimes' mean side because in a span of 22 episodes, she managed to kill Meredith, kill Meredith's mom, kill Meredith's stepmom, have Meredith slapped and humiliated in public by her drunk dad, turn Patrick Dempsey into an asshole boyfriend, split up at least 3 marriages, make 2 of the least likely people to have sex (granted, it was with alcohol, but umm, Izzie? Didn't Denny JUST die and leave you with a fat legacy? Why don't you mourn on that for wee bit longer OK?), wax off Christina's eyebrows, and leave Karev with blue balls. To quote one shrewd TV recapper, "If this storyline doesn't change directions next season, I'm going to have an aneurysm. (And clearly, if that happens, I'm going to a more professional hospital than Seattle Grace.)" At the end of this season finale, all we felt like doing was taking 4 vicodens, a wellbutrin, and chasing it with some Johnny Walker Blue label.

Most Anticipated Season Finale of 2007: Heroes
The twists! The reveals! Yatta! And it is nice to see Milo Ventimiglia playing a role that isn't a) misunderstood b) rebellious teen; and c) total douchebag.

Most Disappointing Season Finale of 2007: Heroes
While it was the most riveting series on TV this year, the series finale was built up bigger than the Empire State Building. Did it live up to the hype? Not particularly. Did anything else live up to the hype? Not if that hype was bigger than the Empire State Building. Will we watch with bated breath for season two? You bet your fucking ass we will!

Least Anticipated Season Finale of 2007: The Bachelor
Um. The officer and the alleged gentleman already spilled the beans a week after the show aired, proclaiming that he was engaged. And not like we cared anyway. The track record of him marrying whoever he got his rose on with are slim to none.

The Series Finale That Came As An Afterthought: Gilmore Girls
After a seven year run, the Gilmore Girls finally put their 140 words per second blathering to rest, with a big fat party in the rain for Rory and the whole town celebrated her awesomeness while I was left wondering, "Isn't she an adulteress? Didn't she drop out of Yale and mooch off her douchebag moneyed boyfriend? She isn't sweet little Rory who hit a deer with her mom's jeep on the way to that snotty private school to take a test." The problem with this finale was that not only did it come as a surprise, but it came one year too late. Last year, everyone was buzzing that the show would end because the creators jumped ship, so the WB piled on the extras (like a 2 hr special with the cast hosted by...BROOKE BURKE?! Really?). This year, the CW celebrated with a montage that looked eerily like the opening credits, with an old dude intoning, "Thanks for seven great years."

Best Reality Show Season Finale: America's Next Top Model
Oh Tyra. You get weirder every year. And the girls get weirder too. And slightly dumber. Actually, last year's winner Caridee seems to still retain a semblance of personality, so here's hoping that this year's winner Jaslene will do the same. This finale was dubbed the "Battle of the Accents: Jenny from the Block vs. Russian Mail Bride" Jaslene's backstory includes being raised by drag queens, which sounds superfun while battling some kind of abuse and possible drug addiction which doesn't sound as fun. And her best quote before winning: "I don't look like the girl next door. I am the girl next door IN DA HOOD."

Best Use of an A-Lister in a Series: Brothers and Sisters
While Ugly Betty managed to pull in Lucy Liu (Salma doesn't count, she fucking produces that show OK? Getting her is not exactly a stretch of the imagination or the budget), and Dirt managed a lesbian kiss with Jennifer Aniston (also not a stretch, she is BFFs with them Cox-Arquettes), Brothers and Sisters had Sally Field. Sally "Do I Look Like I Wear A Turban" Fields. And she was on there ALL SEASON. Sally Field has rocked my socks off since the glory days of Soapdish, and for that, I am truly grateful.

Worst Use of an A-Lister in a Series: Grey's Anatomy
Getting Natalie Cole on your show is one thing. Getting Natalie Cole to act, not sing, on your show is also another great feat. But sticking her with a fork in her neck while she was giving her husband a blowjob in a restaurant and thereby arriving at the pressure cooker that is Seattle Grace was quite possibly the worst fucking idea ever.

The Sarah Jessica Parker Award for How Does Someone Afford That, Really?: October Road
For some scrawny town full of beautiful people, those townies were rocking some superfine Marc Jacobs duds. If we are to believe that, then it would appear that my vet's assistant is flitting around town in a pair of $200 jeans on her $25K annual salary, instead of her perfectly acceptable Gap duds.

The Woody Allen Award for Ickiest Couple Ever: Six Degrees
As much as I will give Grey's Anatomy grief for putting a gay man and his fag hag together and calling it endearing love, it was the pairing of the delectably graying Campbell Scott (I loved you in Singles!) and the winsome Shiri Appleby who looked old enough to be his daughter. At least with Izzie and George, it was one bad sex night and a lot of uncomfortable whisperings in hallways. This pairing sexed it up every episode, and we were all witnesses to Shiri's collection of boyshort undies. Thankfully, the series has been punted to the trash heap of Cancelled Forever.

The Lindsay Lohan Award for Being On Every Single Freakin TV Show AND Commercials: Jason Lewis
After his turn on Sex and the City as Samantha's young hot boytoy, it seems as though Jason Lewis was fighting against the dying light of a career left on edited TBS reruns. Perhaps his breakup with Rosario Dawson also kicked him into high gear to become the Most Visible Man this year. Starring on Brothers and Sisters as the boyfriend to emotionally unbalanced Kevin Walker, and then on Six Degrees as the random jogger who bags Bridget Moynahan six ways to Sunday, the only thing we were left wondering was maybe we were mistaken about Jason's intelligence: He obviously knows his market audience well enough to keep him in demand and employed.

The Anne Heche Award for Just Too Much Crazy: Will Traveler
That was too much screaming in one hour. And while shit does blow up (and I am a fan of that in fictional settings), I also kept thinking, "Dude. That evil guy used to the dork in Boy Meets World!"

The Keanu Reeves Award for Deadpan Acting: The cast of October Road
With the exception of Laura Prepon, October Road's cast was middling. Maybe it was the writing, maybe it was the fact that they were all pissed that they had to play air guitar on tennis rackets and act like it was the coolest thing ever, but that was just...bad.

The Oprah Award for the Smuggest New Show: Men in Trees
Anne Heche's new role as a relationship coach Marin Frist was refreshing in the fact that she was believable as a smug motivational speaker. Too bad the show was Sex and the City...in Alaska. And also too bad that Anne Heche broke up her marriage and ran off with her co-star James Tupper (although really? Can you blame her? He's all gruff and plaid and has a kickass beard).

The Matrix Award for the Chosen One: Addison Shepherd
Although Private Practice did little for me (or anyone I talked to about it, which was suprisingly a good amount of people which is either sad or hilariously funny), it apparently got picked up as a spinoff series for ABC next fall. Which goes to show: if you are hot, redheaded, and look good in some superfine glasses, Shonda Rhimes will single you out and give you a lovely send off in your own series while torturing the rest of the cast to natural disasters, death, and interloping half-siblings. Also, I have reason to believe that Kate Walsh is one crazy broad, because I read somewhere that the movie that starred Christina Applegate and Cameron Diaz in San Francisco was actually based off of her and her best friend's early twenties. And that movie was RAUN-CHY.

So that is the wrap up of this year's finales. Remember: it's summertime. And in summer, we watch Law and Order reruns and the occasional movie. Maybe Crash will give you a movie review here and there. Or maybe we will start reviewing albums. It depends on how awesome we feel.

Will Travel...for a better show.

So I thought October Road was bad.
But it pales in comparison to the worst fucking show on ABC thus far, beating out even Dancing with the Stars. Oh wait. Is Wifeswap on ABC? If so, then "Will Traveler" is the second worst show on ABC now.
Did anyone else want to punch all three guys? I'm sure Jack Kerouac, if he were alive and kicking, would bolt up and throw a bottle of rum at whoever wantonly used his book in vain in order to kick off the pilot episode. Just..NO.
So here's the summary: Stupid prank, rollerblading(!!!) in a museum, KABOOM!, screaming, more screaming, evil rich daddy with black Amex, more screaming, annoying girlfriend, screaming at girlfriend, screaming at wall, screaming at Will, dead Will burnt to a crisp, bad patriotic monologue delivery, end scene.

Dude. That is SO not Peter O'Toole.

Forget Grey's Anatomy. October Road takes the Twinkies, the Ho-Hos, and the Little Debbie snack cakes for being the most predictable storylines EVER.

Here's the thing that I've discovered is so awesome about this show: it has no continuity. Take for example, an episode of CSI. The plotline is pretty standard: Someone dies, the mighty CSI-ers (including the super hot and steamy Warrick Brown--swoon!) come and collect evidence and shit, Grissom busts out a few one-liners that David Caruso only wishes he could deliver without sounding like a jackass, the case gets solved in the last ten minutes, and the dead person gets justice, all thanks to Warrick Brown, Grissom, and Catherine Willows' artificially enhanced lips. Anyway. When you watch an episode of CSI, you pretty much know how the shit is going to unfold without really knowing all the technicalities.

Unfortunately, with October Road, the episodes that have aired so far have like 16 storylines going all at once. I'm not sure if it's because the writers are trying to "keep the audience in suspense" or the fact that they might get canned any minute now. But it's really ridiculous. For example: The Fried Chicken Fatty with the Whoremonkey Wife is all being sober and mooing about how he shoveled peanut icing on the kid whose medical history is apparently common knowledge....and then, in the span of 10 seconds, he goes off and attempts to whale on some frat boys because they felt up a pizza girl with bad hair extensions in her pigtails. Now, I'm not saying that he didn't have a motive to whale on some Sigma Chis (feeling up an Avril Lavigne posing pizza girl? Wrong. Just wrong.), but couldn't they just boot that plot to like the next episode or just...leave it on the cutting room floor? I mean, I understand the bigger picture--creepy hermit guy is too big of a pussy to go over there and throwdown blah blah blah, but I think we've already established that he's 1) creepy and not endearing; 2) hermitty and not in that brooding but cute art student loner guy way; and 3) reinforcing that with this pizza girl storyline is just telling us that he has no balls.

Oh October Road. You're a volatile mix of bland acting, bad storylines, and pretty people pretending not to be pretty. And yet? We still watch you. So play on, October Road, with your crazy storylines and weirdly timed arcs. And your shiny haired actresses and be-stubbled actors. And your awesomely bad lines that we love. Play on!

We're in the ditch next to October Road.

Thursday Night is TV Night at Sip + Fall. After the heavyweights (Ugly Betty, Greys Anatomy, CSI, etc) lumber off the screen, the networks trot out their fledgling shows hoping to catch the leftover TV viewer to build an audience and make more of them dollah dollah bills. There's an 80-20 chance that the show will tank and skulk off the radar (the Nine? What happened? Men in Trees? Was it Anne Heche?), and ABC's latest offering "October Road" doesn't disappoint those numbers. In fact, we liked how fantastically bad it is that we not only watch it...but we watch it TOGETHER. And we want to give it awards (because hell if it's ever going to win a Golden Globe. Or an Emmy. Or meet Ellen DeGeneres. Or have a special on Oprah after nine seasons wherein all of them will burst into tears and talk about how incredibly giving each cast member was when in reality everyone kept to their trailers and bitched about how a certain someone eats garlic before kissing scenes. Oh wait, that was Brenda and Dylan on 90210.)

The Line That Spawned a new vocabulary term to Be Used in Work-Related Conversation
"My last boyfriend predumped me 3 times before our first date." Predumped? It could work!

The Storyline That Spawned an insult to a Certain Grotty Coworker
The weird greasy guy who is boinking his friend's super hot wife. That shit would never happen. Well, maybe in middle America, in a small town, but don't hot people from middle American small towns move to New York or Los Angeles to try and get on America's Next Top Model?

Least Accurate Plot Point of the Episode
OK, the kid has a nut allergy and he shovels cake in his mouth that is loaded with peanut butter (like PEANUT BUTTER PIE!), and then starts losing his breath and having some kind of allergic reaction and he goes off and finds Nick who happens to be sucking face with the Hot But Dumb Student Who Can't Take A Hint...and yet, the kid is BACK to being in perfect health, hops on his little bike and travels to India and back before breaking into life-threatening hives. Way to go, Speed Racer! Don't allergic reactions happen relatively quickly? At least that's what one of my friends told me.

Most Accurate Plot Point of the Episode
The hot lawnmower guy who once had a guest spot with his less-hot brother in 7th Heaven (another show that is so awesomely bad that it's too painful to watch) ditching the Cute but Chubbed Barkeep. Sorry honey, but that man is 1) too hot to be straight and 2) obviously not in landscaping.

Most Well-Played Plot Device of the Episode
The kid being mauled by some drunken soccer mom while eerie emo music wails in the background with a choir. Crash observed shrewdly, "That kid is going to need blood and then we'll find out who the real baby daddy is." This kid is sooo going to be that town's Danielynn. And Nick? Is sooooo going to be Eddie Murphy (you know he fathered that scary Spice baby).

And finally, Best Insult to Paul Newman
We spent a weekend with a Frenchman named Seb who was obsessed with Paul Newman, and more importantly, with the movie Cool Hand Luke. How obsessed you ask? He paid the equivalent of 2,000 baguettes (plus tax) for an original poster to hang on his wall in Paris. Anyway. The point is that when Nick barges in on his dad trying to have a decent meal with his sistah girlfriend, he delivers what is quite possibly the most awesome line in the entire episode (and it's probably the most awesome line because well, the writers for this show didn't write it, the guy who wrote Cool Hand Luke wrote it): "Callin' it your job don't make it right, BOSS!" Oooh! Burn!

Since October Road isn't on next week, we'll take that valuable time to come up with a good drinking game. Like, every time Bryan Greenberg's stubble is perfectly groomed to a 5 o'clock shadow.