Monday, May 28, 2007

These nachos came from Taco Bell, recognize!

I will preface this blog entry with the following disclaimer: I am drunk.

That being said, I should also point out that my typing is fairly impeccable when I'm three sheets to the wind, but my grammar suffers considerably.

In this drunken state, I'm about to list the top 5 things that make me laugh uncontrollably while wasted. Or, as they say in college, "houuuuusssssed." Who tha fuck says that anymore? Maybe that was a late 90s thing. Or maybe that is like an East Coast thing. For example, on the west coast, they say, "smoke out." On the east coast, they say "smoke up." Does this still hold true? Like pop vs soda? Wait, what was I saying?

Right. Top five:

5. When you call your lesbian friend a penis when she gasps with delighted surprise about how much you look like Michelle Kwan. I totally don't in close ups (not that I would mind having her body, dood, she is a fucking Olympian which means she has 0.0001% body fat and she can do crazy triple jumps which would be a neat little party trick in my opinion. A triple lutz off of a keg? That deserves a bit of pocket change. But her nose? Puhleeze. If I had that nose, I'd be getting a nose job THE NEXT DAY.), but I do admit that in SOME PHOTOS of her there is a SLIGHT RESEMBLANCE. When I used to live in Silverlake, there was a big fat billboard of her down the street on Hyperion, and every time I went to the store (and every time the bagger lady squealed, "Michelle Kwan!!") I would pass it. And cringe. And then think, damn, can I be sponsored by Wheaties?

4. When your old friend from college rings you up and says, "I'm in town! Let's go play darts!" like it's the most natural thing in the world. Maybe if I had gone to USC or UCLA. But folks, I'm from Virginia. I went to UVA. A college friend to come and visit me would be a 5r hr plane ride away; hence the awesomeness of being totally fucking casual.

3. When your dog looks at you like you're fucking crazy. I don't know why, but you know you are doing some stupid shit if animals are giving you the "WTF" look. If my dog could talk, I would be in deep shit. Not because I do a tremendous amount of illegal shit, but because I would mortified.

2. Making your best friend (who is crankier as the day is long) drive to Taco Bell for nachos at midnight. OK, this totally brings up a memory that I've long since buried that involves my brother who was high as a kite and home for summer from his first year in college, one of his friends, and my sister driving to Wendy's around 1 am...but it's one of those stories where I think you just have to be there.

1. Upon arriving back home from the running to the proverbial border with the mythical fourth meal, your best friend pulls old photos of yourself from back in the day (aka those incriminating photos from Homecoming which will never die and I wore a salmon colored dress that belonged to my mom. Salmon? Really? What was I thinking??) and you laugh until you pee, while secretly swearing to burn all incriminating evidence when your BFF passes out on the couch.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Sippy Cup Awards for One Tubetastic Fall

If you stumbled upon this entry and you are addicted to Tivo and haven't watched this year's seasons/series finales yet, I suggest you divert your attention to updating your myspace profile or trolling on youtube. Or signing up for (it's okay to look).

Best Season Finale of 2007: Ugly Betty
While we all expected over-the-top campiness from our favorite Mode-ites, ("Eww. Dorkus interruptus!") and anticipated guest spots from the OG Betty and Kristin Chenowith ("You are so a chick flick! I would totally pay $10 to see you!"), none of us expected that Smokin Hot Santos would bite the bullet (literally) while his son Justin wailed out "Someday" from West Side Story...and all of us sitting on the couch bawled uncontrollably, throwing tissue wads at our television sets. Damn you Salma Hayek!

Worst Season Finale of 2007: Grey's Anatomy
Let's be honest. This whole season sucked. The ferry tanking? Meredith dying? In fact, the only good episode this season was George's dad dying, but even that kinda sucked because, hello? George's dad died! This season of Grey's Anatomy was also overshadowed with off-set drama that seeped in and poisoned the show. I also think all the squabbling ignited Shonda Rhimes' mean side because in a span of 22 episodes, she managed to kill Meredith, kill Meredith's mom, kill Meredith's stepmom, have Meredith slapped and humiliated in public by her drunk dad, turn Patrick Dempsey into an asshole boyfriend, split up at least 3 marriages, make 2 of the least likely people to have sex (granted, it was with alcohol, but umm, Izzie? Didn't Denny JUST die and leave you with a fat legacy? Why don't you mourn on that for wee bit longer OK?), wax off Christina's eyebrows, and leave Karev with blue balls. To quote one shrewd TV recapper, "If this storyline doesn't change directions next season, I'm going to have an aneurysm. (And clearly, if that happens, I'm going to a more professional hospital than Seattle Grace.)" At the end of this season finale, all we felt like doing was taking 4 vicodens, a wellbutrin, and chasing it with some Johnny Walker Blue label.

Most Anticipated Season Finale of 2007: Heroes
The twists! The reveals! Yatta! And it is nice to see Milo Ventimiglia playing a role that isn't a) misunderstood b) rebellious teen; and c) total douchebag.

Most Disappointing Season Finale of 2007: Heroes
While it was the most riveting series on TV this year, the series finale was built up bigger than the Empire State Building. Did it live up to the hype? Not particularly. Did anything else live up to the hype? Not if that hype was bigger than the Empire State Building. Will we watch with bated breath for season two? You bet your fucking ass we will!

Least Anticipated Season Finale of 2007: The Bachelor
Um. The officer and the alleged gentleman already spilled the beans a week after the show aired, proclaiming that he was engaged. And not like we cared anyway. The track record of him marrying whoever he got his rose on with are slim to none.

The Series Finale That Came As An Afterthought: Gilmore Girls
After a seven year run, the Gilmore Girls finally put their 140 words per second blathering to rest, with a big fat party in the rain for Rory and the whole town celebrated her awesomeness while I was left wondering, "Isn't she an adulteress? Didn't she drop out of Yale and mooch off her douchebag moneyed boyfriend? She isn't sweet little Rory who hit a deer with her mom's jeep on the way to that snotty private school to take a test." The problem with this finale was that not only did it come as a surprise, but it came one year too late. Last year, everyone was buzzing that the show would end because the creators jumped ship, so the WB piled on the extras (like a 2 hr special with the cast hosted by...BROOKE BURKE?! Really?). This year, the CW celebrated with a montage that looked eerily like the opening credits, with an old dude intoning, "Thanks for seven great years."

Best Reality Show Season Finale: America's Next Top Model
Oh Tyra. You get weirder every year. And the girls get weirder too. And slightly dumber. Actually, last year's winner Caridee seems to still retain a semblance of personality, so here's hoping that this year's winner Jaslene will do the same. This finale was dubbed the "Battle of the Accents: Jenny from the Block vs. Russian Mail Bride" Jaslene's backstory includes being raised by drag queens, which sounds superfun while battling some kind of abuse and possible drug addiction which doesn't sound as fun. And her best quote before winning: "I don't look like the girl next door. I am the girl next door IN DA HOOD."

Best Use of an A-Lister in a Series: Brothers and Sisters
While Ugly Betty managed to pull in Lucy Liu (Salma doesn't count, she fucking produces that show OK? Getting her is not exactly a stretch of the imagination or the budget), and Dirt managed a lesbian kiss with Jennifer Aniston (also not a stretch, she is BFFs with them Cox-Arquettes), Brothers and Sisters had Sally Field. Sally "Do I Look Like I Wear A Turban" Fields. And she was on there ALL SEASON. Sally Field has rocked my socks off since the glory days of Soapdish, and for that, I am truly grateful.

Worst Use of an A-Lister in a Series: Grey's Anatomy
Getting Natalie Cole on your show is one thing. Getting Natalie Cole to act, not sing, on your show is also another great feat. But sticking her with a fork in her neck while she was giving her husband a blowjob in a restaurant and thereby arriving at the pressure cooker that is Seattle Grace was quite possibly the worst fucking idea ever.

The Sarah Jessica Parker Award for How Does Someone Afford That, Really?: October Road
For some scrawny town full of beautiful people, those townies were rocking some superfine Marc Jacobs duds. If we are to believe that, then it would appear that my vet's assistant is flitting around town in a pair of $200 jeans on her $25K annual salary, instead of her perfectly acceptable Gap duds.

The Woody Allen Award for Ickiest Couple Ever: Six Degrees
As much as I will give Grey's Anatomy grief for putting a gay man and his fag hag together and calling it endearing love, it was the pairing of the delectably graying Campbell Scott (I loved you in Singles!) and the winsome Shiri Appleby who looked old enough to be his daughter. At least with Izzie and George, it was one bad sex night and a lot of uncomfortable whisperings in hallways. This pairing sexed it up every episode, and we were all witnesses to Shiri's collection of boyshort undies. Thankfully, the series has been punted to the trash heap of Cancelled Forever.

The Lindsay Lohan Award for Being On Every Single Freakin TV Show AND Commercials: Jason Lewis
After his turn on Sex and the City as Samantha's young hot boytoy, it seems as though Jason Lewis was fighting against the dying light of a career left on edited TBS reruns. Perhaps his breakup with Rosario Dawson also kicked him into high gear to become the Most Visible Man this year. Starring on Brothers and Sisters as the boyfriend to emotionally unbalanced Kevin Walker, and then on Six Degrees as the random jogger who bags Bridget Moynahan six ways to Sunday, the only thing we were left wondering was maybe we were mistaken about Jason's intelligence: He obviously knows his market audience well enough to keep him in demand and employed.

The Anne Heche Award for Just Too Much Crazy: Will Traveler
That was too much screaming in one hour. And while shit does blow up (and I am a fan of that in fictional settings), I also kept thinking, "Dude. That evil guy used to the dork in Boy Meets World!"

The Keanu Reeves Award for Deadpan Acting: The cast of October Road
With the exception of Laura Prepon, October Road's cast was middling. Maybe it was the writing, maybe it was the fact that they were all pissed that they had to play air guitar on tennis rackets and act like it was the coolest thing ever, but that was just...bad.

The Oprah Award for the Smuggest New Show: Men in Trees
Anne Heche's new role as a relationship coach Marin Frist was refreshing in the fact that she was believable as a smug motivational speaker. Too bad the show was Sex and the Alaska. And also too bad that Anne Heche broke up her marriage and ran off with her co-star James Tupper (although really? Can you blame her? He's all gruff and plaid and has a kickass beard).

The Matrix Award for the Chosen One: Addison Shepherd
Although Private Practice did little for me (or anyone I talked to about it, which was suprisingly a good amount of people which is either sad or hilariously funny), it apparently got picked up as a spinoff series for ABC next fall. Which goes to show: if you are hot, redheaded, and look good in some superfine glasses, Shonda Rhimes will single you out and give you a lovely send off in your own series while torturing the rest of the cast to natural disasters, death, and interloping half-siblings. Also, I have reason to believe that Kate Walsh is one crazy broad, because I read somewhere that the movie that starred Christina Applegate and Cameron Diaz in San Francisco was actually based off of her and her best friend's early twenties. And that movie was RAUN-CHY.

So that is the wrap up of this year's finales. Remember: it's summertime. And in summer, we watch Law and Order reruns and the occasional movie. Maybe Crash will give you a movie review here and there. Or maybe we will start reviewing albums. It depends on how awesome we feel.


Thursday, May 17, 2007

He Can't Act But...

Keanu Reeves, you may say the weirdest fucking shit ("What would happen if you melted? You know, you never really hear this talked about much, but spontaneous combustion? It exists!...[people] burn from within...sometimes they'll be in a wooden chair and the chair won't burn, but there'll be nothing left of the person. Except sometimes his teeth. Or the heart. No one speaks about this, but its for real."), but at least you are terribly honest about yourself ("I'm a meathead, man. You've got smart people, and you've got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.") And for that, you will forever hold a place in my little tar-covered heart.

PS I am so watching the Lake House on and it's 1 am. AND THIS MOVIE BLOWS. But at least your hair looks fetching, but you are looking a wee bit bloated. But if I had to be in this movie, I would be drinkin like a fish too. Especially if I had to deliver lines like, "Let me let you go!" a


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Procrastination Nation!

A very long time ago, when I was in that weird dark and twisty phase that all adolescents go through (lots of black, lots of Trent Reznor, and lots of humiliatingly bad poetry), I read a book called Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I think they made a movie of it starring Christina Ricci, which totally makes sense. Especially because the book is a rather graphic autobiography of a coke-snorting Harvard-attending depressed Jewish American Princess. Except it's less Sex and the City and more Requiem for a Dream.

Anyway, I remember telling my friend John (who incidentally recommended that I read it), "Why is this girl so whiny? She has like a fucking breakdown every 2 paragraphs." To which he responded with, "Yes. And she's CLINICALLY DEPRESSED."

Then, a few years after that, when I was in that weird sexy librarian phase (fashionably wrong tortoise shell glasses, lots of Charles Mingus, and lots of humiliatingly long conversation discussions about the meaning of Rothko paintings while tripping heavily on mind altering substances), I read a book called Bong Water by Michael Hornburg. I think they made a movie of it starring Luke Wilson, which totally makes sense. Especially because the book is a rather convoluted mess of unrequited love and shitty apartments in New York. Except it's less Felicity and more Rent (but thankfully without the songs and i don't think anyone dies of AIDS or knew how many seconds were in a year).

Anyway, I remember telling my friend Becky (who incidentally recommended that I read it), "Man, why is this guy so whiny? Why can't he get his shit together and move on? He's almost 30 for crying out loud." To which she responded with, "Yes. And he smokes weed every day."

Fast forward to this weekend. I found myself in my yuppie home in my yuppie neighborhood where gardening is the new hot shit, flipping through the yuppie pages of Domino magazine. There was a spread of a designer bathroom, and on the wall was a blow up poster of the cover of Bong Water, and on the toilet was a copy of Prozac Nation.

The yuppie who owned that bathroom was a mother of 3 and an inventor of fancy, expensive aromatic room sprays. And I'm not sure if she threw those things in her bathroom because she thought it would be cool and hip, or if she is trying to subliminally tell the readers of Domino that fictional characters belong in the shitter (albeit a very fancy one at that).


Thursday, May 10, 2007

Will Travel...for a better show.

So I thought October Road was bad.
But it pales in comparison to the worst fucking show on ABC thus far, beating out even Dancing with the Stars. Oh wait. Is Wifeswap on ABC? If so, then "Will Traveler" is the second worst show on ABC now.
Did anyone else want to punch all three guys? I'm sure Jack Kerouac, if he were alive and kicking, would bolt up and throw a bottle of rum at whoever wantonly used his book in vain in order to kick off the pilot episode. Just..NO.
So here's the summary: Stupid prank, rollerblading(!!!) in a museum, KABOOM!, screaming, more screaming, evil rich daddy with black Amex, more screaming, annoying girlfriend, screaming at girlfriend, screaming at wall, screaming at Will, dead Will burnt to a crisp, bad patriotic monologue delivery, end scene.


Tuesday, May 8, 2007

creative of the week

David Hasselhoff's daughter should get a best documentry film oscar for her work filming her father. for now i am giving her
the creative of the week award for the whole month of may.

Monday, May 7, 2007

My Weekend, in an 8 oz glass.

Being from the south, I celebrate summer with a good mint julep or six. Also, the Kentucky Derby was this weekend, and while I don't give a shit about horse racing or fancy hats, I do give a shit about bourbon. It conjures up memories of firefly evenings, picking buttercups, and blowing dandelion globes in wild abandon (which pissed my dad off immensely because I singlehandedly weeded up the backyard. Sorry pops.)

But. It's not a party without you, me, and the Easter bunny, so here's a fantasmaglorious mint julep recipe from the fine folks at Camp Chao: Juleps
by George
The recipe for the julep we were drinking comes from the memoir of southern aristocrat William Alexander Percy, adoptive father of Walker Percy. It goes something like this:

In 1 julep glass (about 8 oz):

1 inch of sugar
just enough lukewarm water to soak up the sugar
4 fresh mint leaves

Mix until sugar is dissolved

Pack the glass full with crushed ice, and fill to
top with good bourbon. Top off with ground nutmeg and mint garnish.

Stir, drink, and forget.